The Shame Of It

gerund or present participle: shaming
  1. (of a person, action, or situation) make (someone) feel ashamed.

There is a problem with the definition above.

The word, shaming, has become a word that is associated with how people are made to be ashamed over that which they cannot control. We have all heard the damage this does and how it is a form of bullying people for something they cannot necessarily control.

I’m not a little guy and I’ve been shamed over my size being a shape, not in shape. We all have heard how a certain president was accused of raping a 13-year-old only to have it go away when the accuser was bullied through slut shaming and death threats. That same president has also shamed people over disabilities on a public stage.

This post is not about that president. Well, not specifically.

Due to an ethically non monogamous meme I created, I have recently had a disturbing conversation with someone that follows me.

The censored version of the meme is as follows:

polyamory humor ethical non-monogamy

The photo itself is pornstar India Summer on the right kissing another female pornstar with the suggestion of the other riding India’s fictional husband. In the uncensored version, you would see that said husband is rubbered up and behaving well by wearing a condom.

This was an attempt at humor in an ethically non-monogamous tone.

So, one of the sites I post this I got an intriguing comment where someone suggested I was shaming him for his not wanting to use a condom in this scenario.

Hold on here…shaming?


So this is something this gentleman has no control over?

Now, for the record, with long-time trusted partner(s) I would never take issue with those that choose to play without protection. I admit that by adding the word “primary” that might even limit this in some people’s mind, but if you have a long time ethically non-monogamous relationship, that word might have been a bit much.

However, back to the point…shaming?

I think this particular dude has a misunderstanding of what that word means.

Okay, maybe it actually is still “shaming” but calling out bad behavior is not only acceptable but necessary. We have too many bullies who get away with bad behavior because we’re all too politically correct to call them out for it…to shame them for it.

So maybe I did shame him, but tough fucking luck.

If you are going into a random ethically non-monogamous situation with the intention of not using a condom without specifically negotiating that ahead of time, that is bad behavior.

Odds are, if it is random, it has not been negotiated.

It is a bit like a parent who smokes around their child, as you’re now potentially exposing others, without their consent, to what you are doing.

That’s what bullies do… “I get my way, others be damned.

That type of selfishness is a real shame if you ask me.

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